a lesbian and a bisexual walk into a bar
by masterofsnark
Summary: when a guy tries to hit on her at a bar, we find out the answer to the eternal question "just how gay is Alex Vause?"


**A/N** \- Alex Vause is possibly the gayest lesbian in the history of planet earth. Here is a little insight into her life. (story inspired by NightsLightss and imissedyourpatronage who are always very inspiring :)

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 **A lesbian and a bisexual walk into a bar...**

They'd been at the bar for nearly two hours, sitting in a booth, talking and laughing and generally just enjoying the shit out of each other's company. They'd stopped here to have a burger and some beers prior to going to some new club that Alex had managed to get into the grand opening party of (Piper was never entirely sure how Alex pulled this sort of shit off; somehow they just appeared magically on all the VIP entry lists in the city).

Alex looked at her watch, "We should get going. The place is across town and you know what a bitch it is to get a cab at this time of night on a Friday."

"What is it called again?"

"Slice."

"Seriously? _Slice._ Like the soda?"

"Pipes, it's New York's Hottest Club..."

Piper laughed, knowing that Alex was unerringly right about these things. She'd taken her to a place that looked like an abandoned Burger King out in one of the more decrepit parts of Brooklyn last week and it had seriously been the most amazing place ever. She planted a kiss on Alex's cheek, "I'll take your word for it. I gotta pee before we go." Then she slid out of the booth and headed through the gathering crowd in the bar towards the bathroom.

Alex pulled out her phone and started scrolling through her texts. Almost all of them were from Nicky asking whether she was fucking Piper in a bathroom stall somewhere... Alex would've been offended but _that_ had happened way too many times for her to be that upset about it... in fact... she'd already paid the bill an Piper was _in a bathroom_ right now...

Before she could follow that though through to its logical conclusion, a drink was slid in front of her. The same whiskey she'd been drinking all night. She looked up, cocking an eyebrow and was mildly surprised to see a man giving her a look that screamed "you're hot let's fuck". As though she hadn't just been sitting in a booth with her girlfriend for the last two hours (and it wasn't like either she or Piper was exactly conservative when it came to PDA... well, Piper _had_ been when they'd first started going out, but it hadn't taken long for _that_ particular barrier to fall away... Piper had kissed her for so long the other day in the park that a couple of older ladies passing by had about fainted... when Piper had pulled away, she'd grimaced sheepishly and said "well, it's not my fault you're so goddamn hot").

The man was tall, maybe 6'3", handsome with blonde hair parted nicely on one side. He was dressed well ($200 blue jeans, complete with strategic rips in them, $150 Italian leather boots, nice blazer, nice shirt). Lantern jaw, high cheekbones, nicely proportioned forehead, carefully calibrated stubble meant to convey "rugged but not dangerous". He even smelled okay. His brown eyes were giving her what was likely a very seductive look that had probably lured in more than a few ladies in his time. "I hate to see a lady with an empty glass. The bartender said this is what you were drinking."

"oh did she?" Alex's eyes slid over to the bar, where Rachel, the bartender she'd known for four years and most assuredly was one hundred percent _aware_ Alex was one _thousand_ percent a lesbian, was grinning at her and giving her an exaggerated wink and thumbs up. Ah... it was nice to have friends good enough to fuck with you every once in a while. She narrowed her eyes at Rachel, a promise of the revenge to come, then looked back at Handsome.

"Yeah. And I thought maybe I could join you for..."

Alex snorted (yes, actually snorted) out a laugh, trying to decide how big an asshole she should be. The guy wasn't being a jerk, it was actually not a terrible play (a little amateurish but she could see some women going for it). He was looking at her, with polite confusion written on his square jawed symmetrical features, "Um... is... is something funny?"

"You saw I was with someone right?"

"That blonde? Well, yeah she's good looking too but..."

Another snort, "Well, I'm glad you think I'm the hot one, but the reason I was sitting with her is because she's my _girlfriend_."

The man's handsome face went slack with astonishment and then embarrassment. "Oh... um... oh... " he ran a hand through his hair, "Ah, geez..." all of a sudden the "mr. seduction" facade fell and he just looked awkward. "Sorry... this... I feel like an idiot... I mean, my buddies are always telling me I've got pretty good gaydar but..." he looked even more awkward, "I probably shouldn't have said that."

Alex clapped him on the shoulder, taking pity on him. Normally she might have fucked with him a little, or at least given him her standard "are you fuckin' kidding me?" talk, but he was just too obviously lost right now. The stuttering and awkwardness reminded her a little of Piper. "It's all right, man. You might want to get it tuned up though. And maybe also an eye check..."

Handsome sighed again, seemingly relieved that she wasn't being a bitch about it, and nodded, "yeah, I guess so... well, sorry again..." he gestured, "You can keep the drink... to make up for..." he pointed at himself, "... this..." he disappeared back into the crowd before Alex could say anything else.

Alex chuckled to herself a little and was just taking a sip of the drink when Piper showed back up, looking back into the crowd, "Who was that?"

Alex almost cracked up at the very, very subtle undertone of jealousy in her voice. "Some guy. He thought I was going to be his girlfriend for the evening..." she held up the drink, "bought me some really nice whiskey."

"oh..." Piper looked back into the crowd, spotting Handsome by the bar with his buddies, who were clapping him on the back as he put his face in his hands. "... he's pretty good looking."

"Sure," Alex said, she glanced back over at the guy, "I mean, I can see why _you'd_ find him aesthetically pleasing."

"I mean, he's tall, broad shouldered..."

"Are you trying to get me to date him, Pipes? 'Cause I'm gonna go ahead and say that there's one _really_ big obstacle to me ever wanting to do that..." Alex smirked, "Well, maybe it's not _that_ big, who knows? I can't judge while he's still got all his clothes on..."

Piper frowned, "So you don't find him the least bit..."

"Wait... do _you_ want to date him? Because I hate to say this, but I'm not really big into sharing..."

"Look I'm just saying, he's not that bad..."

Alex almost laughed, "Pipes, at what point have I ever indicated any interest in men? Just cause you're all equal opportunity and want to slum it on the double X side occasionally doesn't mean I'm into that. I've known plenty of nice guys in my time, but," she leaned forward and kissed Piper for a long, leisurely moment, "my thing is tall blondes with long legs, so..."

Piper (still slightly flushed from the kiss) smiled at her but still said, "Well, _he_ was tall and blonde and..."

Alex rolled her eyes, but there was a fond smile on her face. Piper and her need to _know_.

"I'm just saying... I mean, your job is all about seduction right?"

"I'm an art importer, Piper... not exactly like I'm... " she waved her hand vaguely, "recruiting drug mules or something."

"Yeah, but you have to talk people into shit and you've always said there's an element of..."

"And have you ever noticed that all my biggest customers are women?"

"Well..."

"I tried to flirt with a male customer once. Like, he was young and looked like a Gerber baby, like never known the touch of a woman young. But his father was rich and I figured if I could hook him then he'd buy anything I wanted him to... And it's not like he _didn't want_ to buy stuff. So I tried and it was a fucking disaster. I mean, I'm pretty good at flirting..."

Piper snorted, "'Pretty good at flirting...' That's like saying Shakespeare was 'pretty good' at writing plays..."

Alex smiled, "yeah, but this was... this was just bad. I was basically going off everything I'd seen on TV. it worked for a minute, but then he just looked confused."

"Alex, men aren't that complicated. Women you've got to make an emotional connection with. Men, you just have to give them the promise of sex... which is entirely free cause you'd never have to follow through..."

"Yeah, but even the promise of sex seems super weird to me, you know? You know how your brother started that used panty business in college? The one where he had all his female friends get together and wear their underwear too long so freaks could order them on the internet?"

Piper wrinkled her nose, "Ugh, don't remind me. It grossed me out then and it grosses me out now. He's my _little brother_ for god's sake," she shuddered, "What kind of weirdo thinks _that's_ a good idea."

"I'm just saying that even _the thought_ of a dude sniffing my dried excretions grosses me out," her face contorted into an almost comical look of genuine disgust, "Like he'll never see me or know me or have anything to do with me and it's nasty."

"Hmmm..." Piper shrugged, "I guess... but you mean you've never even _thought_ about it..."

The disgusted look ramped up a notch, "You mean _actually_ doing it with a dude... Jesus Pipes, are you trying to make me lose my appetite?" Piper raised an eyebrow at her. "Okay, look to each their own. I'm perfectly supportive of the heterosexual lifestyle, even if their agenda is a little fucked up sometime... but fuck... it just looks... uncomfortable. I mean, first off, dicks are unattractive..."

Piper opened her mouth to object, then closed it. It was very, very hard to argue with that point.

"Like, I seriously do not understand why guys are always so eager to send women pictures of the fuckin' things like they're so god damn pretty, and then there's the part where they actually have to get it anywhere near my vag..." the look on Alex's face now was reminiscent of a kid being told to eat their Brussels sprouts. Piper almost expected her to actually stick her tongue out, "... just... no... like. I love myself too much to let that sort of thing ever happen to me..."

Piper had turned faintly pink, "It's not that bad..." she muttered, "I mean, it can actually be pretty nice depending on the guy."

"I'll take your word for it," Alex said, still grimacing slightly. Then her face smoothed out again, her smirk reappearing, her green eyes flashing, "Besides, it can't have been that great, considering how eager you were to," she leaned forward and said, low and husky near Piper's ear, " _taste what I tasted like_."

The blonde went lobster red and couldn't stop a shudder running through her. She cleared her throat, "Well, you know... I mean... I was just curious and..." she got some of her composure back, "you don't think you'd ever... like, even if we were in a different universe or something?"

"Babe, I could be a fucking astronaut or a cowboy or a soldier or a shepherd or a..."

"Are you just making _Toy Story_ references...?"

"Maybe... point is, it wouldn't happen. There could be ten thousand universes and I would be fucking Kinsey 6, 'all about the pussy exclusively' gay in every single one of them..."

"But, there's infinite possibilities and..."

Alex laughed, "Stop dwelling, Pipes. I got a good glass of whiskey out of it and the guy wasn't an asshole about it, so it's pretty much an A plus as far as an experience like that goes."

"Well..." Piper looked over at her, "You are pretty hot. I can see why he'd be interested..."

"Obviously," Alex kissed her again, then glanced at her watch again, "Come on babe, we've really gotta go now," she downed the last of her whiskey and they slid out of the booth. After they'd slid on their overcoats, Alex slid an arm around Piper's shoulders and they walked towards the exit.

As they reached the door, Alex looked back and saw Handsome looking at her again. He cringed when he saw her, embarrassed to been caught checking her out her again. She just laughed to herself and shook her head, then walked out the door. Just as the cab was pulling up to the curb, Alex added, "Oh, and one thing he did say I think you might find interesting..."

Piper had been checking her phone for messages from Polly and glanced up at her, "What's that?"

"He said he thought I was the hot one..." she opened the door and slid into the cab, grinning as she heard Piper's indignant voice...

" _The hot one?_ "

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 **A/N-** Read and review. I love you all. Even if you don't agree with me. Okay, well I probably love the people who don't agree with me a _little_ less... ;)


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